As Jessica Sees It...

More than casual conversation.

Jess — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:06:38 +0000

I love facebook! Seeing pictures and reading posts from old friends and acquaintances and getting a glimpse into the lives of distant friends and family I rarely see – its a beautiful thing! I’ve heard some say it provides users a false sense of connectedness, and I partly agree. Still, I get to learn a great deal about people from their posts and pictures, and I would say that I get to learn even more this way than I might learn in an actual conversation before a meeting at work or at a family reunion, with all the social awkwardness involved in wondering, “how will my point be taken?”, “what if I say the wrong thing?”, “what if they laugh at me?”, “I don’t want to start a big fight over this”, all of which tend to limit how much of our meaningful experiences and viewpoints we share. Of course, I’m not suggesting we forgo actual face-to-face dialogue, but I do think there’s a little something extra we gain through social networking. And sure, it’s hard to convey the full meaning of an experience in text. But I’ll put out there that I’ve learned so much more about people’s actual lives, their political values, religious ideas, pet peeves, families, hobbies, and all the things that make them uniquely fascinating people, with much less filter than I would in a casual conversation at a dinner party or in passing at the grocery store. I wonder why that is. Do we perceive the social stigma to be smaller when we type our viewpoints, despite that we do interact with a greater online audience? Does this make it easier to share just a tad more?

Unspoken Rules

Jess — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:03:22 +0000

Unspoken rules: every culture, class, family, organization, and person has them. They are those things we just take for granted, as if everybody does it [or should do it] this one [correct] way. They may seem unreasonable to others, especially if others’ rules are different, but for better or worse, they are the rules we tend to live by and get offended over, when someone breaks them. Whether we know it or not, we tend to staunchly defend them.

I’ve begun exploring the unspoken rules I’ve accepted and implemented in my life, whether aware or unwittingly, in order to choose whether to keep, alter, or discard them. In the process, I’ve learned a few things about where they came from, how I adopted them, how they are useful, and how they may be problematic. I have a few blog topics in mind, which I’ll write and post later, about some of my unspoken rules. In the meantime, these are a few of the unspoken rules I came up with from my life. I’d love to hear some of yours.

Walk on the right side of the stairs, hallway, sidewalk.

Use phrases like “excuse me”, “pardon me”, “thank you”, “I apologize”, “I appreciate ___” often.

Negotiate for more.

Be served when you are a guest (but always offer to help, and mean it), and serve when you are a host.

When a conflict arises, defend the ones you love (whether you agree or not).

Acknowledge when someone says something to you.

Anticipatory excitement makes most things better.

Existing groups should welcome new members.

Plan ahead.

Being caught off guard is not a tragedy, unless it is a tragedy.

Consider the needs of others when your plans include them.

Hold open the door for the person coming in behind you.

Turning 30

Jess — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:16:02 +0000

Just five years ago, turning 30 might have posed a real crisis to me. At age 30, I had planned to compare my list of accomplishments to those I imagined were on the “should have accomplished” list at mile marker 30. Typical of an achievement-oriented eldest child, I expected I would be comparing things like career advancement, a certain income and investment level, and other accomplishments related to deliberate and planned effort to be in a certain place financially and in possessions, relative to… the Joneses, I guess. When I did turn 30 though, I realized that the items on the list had changed, and were actually only one: “Am I happy?” to which I sensed an overwhelming contentment, yes, I’m happy. Turning 30 was actually a really great day for me. Without consciously recognizing the change, somewhere along the way I decided my life would be measured by a different standard. I realized I had grown immensely in my own self-acceptance in just a few years, and this was accomplishment enough. I felt suddenly empowered to decide for myself how my life would be measured, and liberated enough to admit it. Because I get to choose, I will not have it measured by my possessions or career, but by my living honestly with myself.

Forgiveness

Jess — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:38:56 +0000

I read an interesting journal article recently. Researchers considered what differences in forgiveness exist among 475 people affiliated with faiths descending from Abraham (Christianity, Judaism, Islam) and those of no religious affiliation. It looked at behavior (one’s actual behavior) and future projections (how one thinks s/he will respond to future transgressions) in forgiveness, as well as the person’s attitudes (beliefs) about forgiveness. Some of the results were surprising to me. Maybe they will be to you as well.

What was not so surprising is that there were only minor differences among the participants from the three faith affiliations. For the most part, their positions on forgiveness were similar. The secular participants showed less evidence of forgiveness in attitude and in their projections about the future than the religious group.

What I found very surprising is that although the religious person’s thoughts and beliefs about forgiveness were different from the secular person, this fact did not translate into an actual change in behavior. Christians may believe differently about forgiveness, but they did not actually behave differently form any other group, including those of no faith! Wow! Isn’t forgiveness an action Christ mandated (not a mere belief)? I wonder what else this fact might apply to. For example — Might we believe in the importance of unconditional love but not actually behave differently than those who do not? Certainly, we could attribute this discrepancy to many things… the person’s commitment for example… but to me this research says so much about the effectiveness of our approach to teaching Christian values. It makes me wonder if and how churches (or temples and mosques) consider the effectiveness in their teaching styles. And, why is it that psychology researches this stuff, but I don’t see the same scholarly research broadly used by religion? I mean, how do you know that what you are teaching actually has the impact intended? And, if you know congregants are not truly being impacted, in their actual living, then why continue using those methods? I’m not saying, ’stop talking about forgiveness’ or ‘don’t teach anything until you know the best way’… but what I am asserting is that clearly our methods need to be reconsidered, over and over again. We do know that what worked in education, in entertainment, and in religious outreach 50 years ago doesn’t work today, but what about the way we pass on our values to others? If Christians truly want to ‘return to our Christian heritage’, to ‘impact the world’ and to ‘reach the nations’, shouldn’t we figure out and continually re-evaluate the most effective ways to to do it?

Sorry, I don’t have rights to reproduce the article. The title is Impact of religious affiliation and religiosity on forgiveness by Adam Fox and Trang Thomas, published in the Australian Psychologist, September 2008.

Self portrait in trash

Jess — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:58:46 +0000

The artistic feature on our kitchen calendar this month is a collage of photos of garbage called Self Portrait as revealed by trash by Tim Gaudreau. I love this one! The artist took photos of every item he discarded for a year. Of the 5,000 photos in all, he selected a few, most representative of himself and formed a collage he dubbed his self portrait. I thought how true?! I had never really considered what story my trash may tell about me. Then, I thought, wait a second, this man had 5,000 images, and he chose only these 25 or so. That got my attention. I wondered what was so special about these images that he would choose them for a collage, to the neglect of others. So, I started looking for stories, themes, or whatever the items might have in common. I mean he did after all select these items specifically from 5000 for this piece, so there must be some reason. I took this self portrait at its word, that it is truly representative of the man… or at least representative of the way this man wants others to see him. I learned the guy eats a lot of convenience and junk food, had some nasty looking shoes to throw out, and that there must have been some major relationship issue, since it appears that he threw away a wedding ring?! Then, I noticed he had three condom wrappers on there, which made me wonder, why three? I mean, isn’t one enough to portray that he’s a responsibly sexual being? He sacrificed two other images in this piece, for the sake of putting three on there… I can’t help but wonder why. Maybe he wanted us to know the amount of time he spent having protected sex as compared to the amount of time he ate ice cream that year? I dunno, but this stuff intrigues me. And, why in that order? They do seem to be strategically placed in the collage. Then I noticed three Snapple bottles, to which I almost assumed there was nothing to my curiosity… he probably just selected these somewhat randomly. Nah, this is his ‘self portrait’ I rationalized, he must have selected these. But then, I suspected placing three of these bottles was compensatory, like perhaps there is an agenda in one of the items, but to protect the mystery, he can’t reveal the intentionality by overstating it alone … but maybe I’m just over-thinking it now.

I wonder what my own self portrait in trash would look like. It’s funny, I thought about that every time I went to the trashcan this week. I’m sure the fascination will go away soon, but it’s fun to think about. And yeah, I did get the eco statement in the piece, but the content of it was far more interesting to me.

The piece on our calendar is the first image on this page, if you’d like to view it too.

Back to blogging.

Jess — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 05:17:30 +0000

I resumed blogging today. With so many thoughts swirling around about the pressing social issues discussed of late and the human behavior research I’m studying in school, I thought I’d start sharing my perspective online for the feedback of anyone who cares to read it and provide theirs.

If we haven’t talked in a few years, you might benefit from this preface: my social and political perspectives tend to range from conservative to liberal, but usually moderate. We may differ, yet I would like to know your perspectives too. I do believe in God. I pray, I read the Bible, and I do accept empowerment from the Holy Spirit. You might read about those experiences. I am a Christian, but I am an aspiring counselor and family therapist, so I tend to be a little more accepting of the messiness of humanity than Christians stereotypically are. We agree on the big stuff, but my husband’s viewpoints are not always mine. One marriage, two critical minds are much better (and much more fun) than one (and definitely better than none, but I won’t go there, yet). I am a wife, sister, daughter, student, friend, and an in-law, a future counselor, a future mother, and many other things, but I am primarily a human with a range of human thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I will share my humanity with you and I hope you get to know me primarily this way. In return, I hope you will share your humanity with me, honestly and, if you dare, with the same vulnerability.